I really am up there with the greatest of sinners. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't have sex. I don't do a lot of things that are bad, but SO WHAT!? The sins I commit are much greater than any of those.
I am not writing this post out of humility, because I have none. The Lord has given me the grace to become aware of my life-destroying pride. I have more knowledge of scriptures than most people that I know and it does nothing for me but destroy me and destroy others that I try to disciple and teach. It doesn't matter what I know or what I've been given, not to God at least. To Him, it matters how I use those things, what my motives are with those things, and if I use them out of love and humility.
I teach people to follow ME instead of following God. It only feeds my pride even more. I am sorry to all the people that I have done this to. My regret is truly deep and the only way those wounds have been and will be healed is by Jesus' blood and His grace.
It is true, I know and have taught many deep truths about God to many people. They are true. They are real. I have never lied. Yet, I shared you truth WITHOUT grace. Truth without grace is exactly the ingredients of Satan himself when he "masquerades as an angel of light." I have been unknowingly doing the works of the devil, the Accuser of the Brethren himself.
I have desired to sit in the throne room of Christ in heaven. I don't even know what I'm saying. I have NO IDEA what that even requires of me. I am fallen and my pride consumes me even when I am fully aware of it.
I get jealous of other people when they have an anointing from God that even comes close to my own. It is pathetic. I become jealous when a ministry that I have nothing to do with succeeds in something or when they bring glory to God. Too often I am more concerned about making more of a name for myself than making a name for the NAME ABOVE ALL NAMES (Jesus).
I have been getting rocked by Satan when I thought that I was actually doing the work of God. I am starting to understand Solomon's great wisdom of Ecclesiastes now when he says that everything is meaningless. Knowledge is meaningless. Authority is meaningless. One's calling is meaningless. All of these things can be used for evil just as well as good.
I asked the Lord for more authority and to do great things on this earth. He responded by telling me that "to whom much is given, much is required. Are you sure you want this?" It took me aback and made me second-guess. I now know that with great authority, there is also a greater potential to promote evil just as well as good. I don't want the authority if I will use it for myself, because I know it will destroy me and many others that I influence.
My pride destroys me. I am not just trying to paint a picture here to warn you guys. I am honestly just venting/repenting/apologizing.
I am aware that the Lord has given me great potential. Up to this point, I have been failing miserably and have been upheld ONLY by His grace. I deserve hell. I truly, truly do. If anyone reading this looks up to me....stop. I'm not kidding. I may look good on the outside, but too often my motives are impure. I am done with seeking the approval of men and women. I can't do it anymore. I need humility.
If I don't acquire true humility, I will rise high only to fall even further. I'm living a dangerous life. If I don't change, I will be the reason for thousands, if not millions, of souls being separated from God for eternity. I may save some, but not NEARLY as many as I was supposed to.
I always wanted to be remembered for all of history. Now I FINALLY realize that I instead want to be known for all eternity. History doesn't matter. Eternity does.
The Lord is already turning my heart because He loves me more than any of you will ever know on this earth. My hope and my determination is to wear a mantle of true humility. Without it, I am doomed.
I am sorry.....and I am changing.
I don't hate myself, so don't worry about me. I hate who I've been and who I was in danger of becoming.
Jesus is the ONLY one worthy of honor or praise.